Chocolaty Goodness
by LittleMissSunshine249
Summary: Dudley cheats on his diet and Harry and his friends reap the benefits. In which Neville and Seamus are out for blood, Dean tries to get Ron to stop licking his face, and Harry just wants his Nutella back. A tragic love story. Lots of OOCness. Kinda cracky. One-shot.


**(A/N): First fanfic! Whoo! This day had to come sometime… First, I'd like to say I haven't written in a while, so if I besmirched the Harry Potter fandom, I deeply apologize. I also split some infinitives. Forgive me. :) I got the idea for this fic like how J.K. Rowling got the idea for Harry Potter. It just fell into my head. :) This is set during the Goblet of Fire. (The real reason Harry and Ron had an argument, haha.) For extra fun, read this in Jim Dale's voice. Or Alan Rickman's.**

**team . breeze owns the picture, "I Heart Nutella". ** www . flickr photos / indybreeze / 4845262930 / (no spaces... I hope that worked!)

**Disclaimer: I do not own "Harry Potter" and all rights go to Queen Rowling. :D **

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Nighttime at Hogwarts found Harry Potter frantically rifling through his trunk, tossing out grimy pairs of Uncle Vernon's old socks and spare bits of parchment as he searched for his secret Nutella jar. "Come on, come on…" he muttered to himself, pausing slightly to listen for anyone coming up the dorm room stairs. Once he was sure that he was safe for the time being, he resumed his search. An empty ink bottle… an old Gwenog Jones Chocolate Frog card… a few loose Berty Botts Every Flavored Beans… Aha! He grabbed the small jar buried near the bottom of his trunk and grinned triumphantly. Harry scrambled onto his four-poster bed and yanked the curtains closed. He pulled the small silver spoon he had taken from the Dining Hall at dinner from one of his robe's pockets, unscrewed the lid, and tentatively dipped the spoon into the smooth, chocolaty expanse. He twirled the spoon expertly between his fingers before pulling it out, and reverently stuck it in his mouth. He moaned. All of his fourth year worries melted away, gone when his tongue came in contact with the chocolaty goodness.

Harry sank into reverie. He never would have believed that he could be happy about something Dudley did, but… the impossible had happened. In the beginning of the summer holiday, Dudley, in retaliation against Aunt Pertunia's grapefruit diet, had hidden a stash of sweets under his bed. While Harry was waiting for his friends to answer his pleas for food, he had sneaked into Dudley's room to steal from his sugar supply. He ended up taking only one of the smaller jars of Nutella, so as not to cause suspicion. Harry had then stored it safely under the loose floorboard in his room and promptly forgotten about it when his own food packages arrived. However he was surprised when Dudley showed no signs of having discovered his theft. Apparently, Dudley never thought to make note of the amount of items in his stash. (Harry supposed this was for the best, as he wasn't entirely certain that Dudley had ever properly learned to count past ten, and it was a rather large stash. Wouldn't want Ickle Diddykins to strain himself…) When the Weasleys invited him to go see the Quidditch Would Cup, he had packed it in his truck with the rest of his food, but he had-

Harry's thoughts were interrupted by the pounding footsteps and loud, boisterous laughter that announced the return of the other occupants of the boys' dormitory. Harry quickly licked his spoon clean and shoved all evidence of the Nutella under his pillow. _I won't let them take you, my love, _he thought wildly. He ripped his curtains back open and sprawled himself across the bed in a would-be casual pose. He avoided his roommates' eyes as they trooped back into the dorm, still laughing about something that had happened in a corridor on their way to Gryffindor tower.

"That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!"

"Why the hell was that first year lying in the middle of the corridor anyway?"

"Well, why didn't you look where you were going?"

"And you landed on Mrs. Norris! She went completely mental…"

"Too right, she did. I saw her try to scratch him across the-"

"Does anybody smell something?" Harry's head snapped up. Ron, red in both the face and ears, was obviously trying to distract his housemates and avoid further embarrassment. He sniffed the air, and a peculiar expression crossed his face. "Is that… Nutella?" Harry went white. He saw Seamus, Dean, and Neville stop laughing and look around at each other questioningly. Then, all of a sudden, as if following an inaudible command, their heads snapped towards Harry. He subconsciously cast a quick glance at his pillow, and the four other Gryffindors followed his gaze. Everyone's eyes settled on something peeking out from beneath the pillow, which had been knocked aside when Harry had thrown himself across his bed. It was… something long and silver. A spoon handle. Harry's head snapped back towards the other occupants of the dormitory. Ron looked scandalized that Harry had not shared with him. Seamus and Dean got into ready position, their faces set in determination. Neville looked feral; his normally well-natured, cherub face was twisted with hunger and desire. He resembled a starved mountain lion. And then he pounced.

Neville gave a great flying leap onto the bed, and with an almighty shove, sent Harry crashing to the floor, his glasses breaking as his face made contact with the floor. Neville dug around under the pillow and pulled out Harry's sacred Nutella jar. His shoulders hunched protectively over the jar as he shoved his finger into the Nutella and popped it into his mouth. His eyes drooped closed; bliss was painted across his features. Harry pealed himself off the floor and felt around for his glasses, trying to prepare an attack on Neville to reclaim his beloved Nutella. His heart sank when he heard Dean and Seamus give identical war cries, followed by the thud of bodies slamming into each other. Dean and Seamus had both tried to tackle Neville to the ground at the same time and the three were lying in wriggling mass on Harry's bed. Neville held tight to the container as Seamus tried to dunk his whole right hand into the jar. Dean, who had somehow ended up at the bottom of the pile, screamed, "Get off! I can't breathe!" He made a mad grab towards the Nutella jar, but Seamus slapped him across the face, leaving a chocolaty hand print. The area around his mouth was covered in Nutella, and he had a wild look in his eye.

"Do. Not. Touch. My. Nutella." He launched himself towards Neville, trying to get more access to the jar, but Neville dropped the jar in his haste to get out of the away. It bounced away from the bed towards the middle of the dormitory, leaving chocolaty marks on the carpet in its trail. Ron, finally getting over his shock at Harry's betrayal, snapped into action. He scampered across the floor in the direction of the jar, tripped spectacularly (for the second time that evening) over a stray pair of old socks, and landed directly on top of the container. The jar crumpled under his weight, and a glob of Nutella oozed out onto the carpet. He let out a string of expletives that would even make Uncle Vernon blush, and groped under his body for the container that was currently crushing his favorite kidney. He yanked the jar out from under him and frantically scooped the Nutella off of the carpet, leaving yet another brown stain. He shoved blob into his mouth, groaning in satisfaction as the chocolate made delicious contact with his taste buds. He turned and made a hasty grab at the container next to him, but it had been kicked away by Dean, who had somehow managed to free himself from Neville and Seamus. Dean sprinted after the jar and made a wild dive for it, euphoric as he finally got the chance to shove his own fingers into the creamy Nutella.

Harry, who had by now figured out that his glasses had been shattered, now began to grope for his wand. He quickly found it lying near his truck, and swung around; blindly casting the Jelly-Legs Jinx in what he hoped was the direction of his bed in an attempt to stop Neville and Seamus from joining the fray. Seamus, who had been in the process of extracting himself from Neville's flailing limbs, felt his legs start to writhe uncontrollably. He pitched forward onto Neville's chest, almost snarling with rage.

Harry staggered to his feet. "Stop it!" he screamed. "You'll eat it all!" He began to stumble in the direction of the sounds of Dean and Ron's fight, moving slowly so he wouldn't hit anything. Dean was still holding tight to the container of Nutella, but was unable to get to it as Ron had thrown himself across Dean's body and was desperately licking at the chocolate handprint on his face. "Gerrof me!" screamed Dean, swatting at Ron in a panic. "I am not okay with this!" Frantically, he shook his head around where it collided with Ron's with a painful sounding thud. They fell away from each other, clutching their foreheads, the little jar of Nutella forgotten.

Suddenly there came a cry of, "Unjellify!" from the direction of the bed. It appeared as though Neville had remembered the counter-curse for the Jelly-Legs Jinx. On top of him, Seamus' legs stopped their frantic shaking. He blinked in surprise. Who knew the counter-curse was just "Unjellify"? However, there was no time to waste lying there in shock. He had to get to the Nutella! Seamus and Neville both threw themselves off the bed, and charged toward the middle of the dormitory. Neville, remarkably, was the first to reach the jar and was attempting to stick his whole face in it, but his efforts were hindered by the fact that Seamus was attempting to strangle him with his own Gryffindor tie. Dean and Ron, both recovered from their recent head trauma, were not helping matters. Dean, trying to crawl over to the Nutella jar, was slowly being dragged backwards by Ron, who had grabbed hold of the back of his trousers, and was whimpering something about Dean's face and the chocolaty goodness.

Standing over the bedlam, Harry moaned in despair. His sweet Nutella was being eaten before his eyes (even though he couldn't see it.) His precious! His love! What could he do? He needed a spell, something that will return his beautiful jar to him, to safty… Just then, he saw a brown blur fly into the air. Could it be…? A spell! He needed to reunite with his love! Squinting at the blob that was now beginning its decent to the floor, he pointed his wand and screamed the first spell that came into his head. "Reducto!" The five boys were splattered with Nutella, along with everything else in the dormitory. _No! _ thought Harry, _He's…gone. I… k-killed…_ Plastic bits rained down on the Gryffindors, who were all frozen in shock. Suddenly, a voice came from the doorway.

"What in the name of Merlin's most sparkly tights is going on here?" Hermoine looked at the scene frozen before her. The walls or the boys' dormitory were coated with a brown substance, which was also covering the five poster beds and their hangings. It almost smelled like… Nutella? There were several brown stains on the carpet. And, in various compromising positions on the floor in the middle of the room, were Neville, Seamus, Dean, and Ron, who were covered head to toe in Nutella, and staring at her in petrified shock. She stared back for a moment, then shifted her gaze to the corner of the room, where Harry was rocking back in forth next to what looked like the broken remains of his glasses, seemingly unaffected by the state of his surroundings. He was clutching what seemed to be broken fragments of plastic in his hands, murmuring, "I loved him… I loved him…" over and over. Then Dean's voice penetrated the near silence.

"Ron. _Please._ Never lick my face again."

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**(A/N): I also do not own whatever I referenced in this fic. Starkid, The Lord of the Rings, Nutella… :) Tell me what you think any way you like. (Yes, I will accept owls and Patatronuses…) Or you just could review. :) Also, did Harry cheat on Nutella with the floor? :O Is it Flarry or Narry (Hutella..?)**


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